Tuesday, March 8, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
(apparently I am unable to count, missed this day and skipped to days 5 & 6, so here it is)

This is a difficult one and one I may never be able to accomplish. I need to forgive my mother for all of the horrible things she'd done and continues to do to me. Other people tried to fill the void she left when she left me but, as a child, it still wasn't the same. It seemed like she always put everyone/everything ahead of me. From (mostly) boyfriends, friends, money.. they always seemed more important. While she's not the only reason I have all my "issues" she's the majority reason. Why I have difficulty trusting people (especially women), getting close to people, always wondering when they are going to leave, no self-esteem. The problem is not that she made a mistake in the past but that she continued to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Yes, she was young when she gave birth to me but that isn't a good enough excuse for me. She still should have been responsible for her actions. My dad was really in no place to take care of me by himself so my Nan & Pop took me in. For that I am so grateful. I don't know where I would be had they not stepped up and I don't want to know; it wouldn't have been good. 

The worst reason though was what she said about my grandparents. They were always there for me, always took care of me and made sure I always had whatever I needed. They never asked my mother or anyone in her family for help. When I was a kid, they would hold me crying when my mother wouldn't show up after I sat on the porch waiting for hours for her to show up. After all of this, when my Nan died, my aunt called her to see if she should come to the funeral and my mother said no. She said that my grandparents were bad people and she didn't think anyone from her side of the family should come because of that.

I have never been more hurt and disgusted in my entire life. And now after she's basically brainwashed my little brother into hating me, I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to forgive her.


Billy said...

I think I like this one the best so far. And Id have to say that if you continue to seek truth and your mother does not...Your brother will end up your closest friend ?

Kate said...

I hope you're right. He hasn't tried to make any sort of contact with me since she told me not to talk to him anymore.

I keep hoping as he gets older that he will understand what's going on. No luck so far.

Also, I haven't seen you/talked to you online in a while. Where have you been?

Love ya

Billy said...

I have no dought. He has had enough contact from other family to be able to understand how to treat and be treated. From what little time ive spend with him, he understands. But being he has to deal with the hand he`s been dealt, we have to understand there may be some leasons still to be learned in order for him to see a brighter light.So the next time you talk, try and make sure to deal with him only and not his out of control iusses.
Love U 2..xoxo