Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for. (apparently I am unable to count, missed this day and skipped to days 5 & 6, so here it is)
This is a difficult one and one I may never be able to accomplish. I need to forgive my mother for all of the horrible things she'd done and continues to do to me. Other people tried to fill the void she left when she left me but, as a child, it still wasn't the same. It seemed like she always put everyone/everything ahead of me. From (mostly) boyfriends, friends, money.. they always seemed more important. While she's not the only reason I have all my "issues" she's the majority reason. Why I have difficulty trusting people (especially women), getting close to people, always wondering when they are going to leave, no self-esteem. The problem is not that she made a mistake in the past but that she continued to make the same mistakes over and over again.
Yes, she was young when she gave birth to me but that isn't a good enough excuse for me. She still should have been responsible for her actions. My dad was really in no place to take care of me by himself so my Nan & Pop took me in. For that I am so grateful. I don't know where I would be had they not stepped up and I don't want to know; it wouldn't have been good.
The worst reason though was what she said about my grandparents. They were always there for me, always took care of me and made sure I always had whatever I needed. They never asked my mother or anyone in her family for help. When I was a kid, they would hold me crying when my mother wouldn't show up after I sat on the porch waiting for hours for her to show up. After all of this, when my Nan died, my aunt called her to see if she should come to the funeral and my mother said no. She said that my grandparents were bad people and she didn't think anyone from her side of the family should come because of that.
I have never been more hurt and disgusted in my entire life. And now after she's basically brainwashed my little brother into hating me, I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to forgive her.