Wow, I'm getting terrible with this thing. I've had no interest in writing.. or doing anything really. Everything seems to take so much effort. Haven't had the best couple of weeks. Last Friday was awful. I went to bed before 10 and didn't get out of bed until at least 1 or 2 in the afternoon. This Friday wasn't much better. I think it's after dealing with work and acting "normal" all week. It just takes a lot out of me. I should have gone to a benefit for our nephew but I just didn't have it in me to talk to everyone. Instead I took a nap, read a book then went to bed early.
I finally had the appointment with the psychiatrist today. I think this is the first time I've ever been so anxious to get to the drs. Apparently, I have mild-moderate major depression and an anxiety disorder. I have meds being prepared at the pharmacy as I write. I really hope they make a difference. I also started physical therapy again. The pain in my hip has been seemingly getting worse along with my moods. I overdid it at the gym last Thursday night and my foot and parts of my leg were numb off and on all day. I really don't want to have to get surgery but it's looking like that more and more.
Anyway, back to the longest 30 days in history...
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Believe it or not, there is a softer/sweeter side to me. I rarely get complements on it probably because most people aren't aware of it and even fewer have seen it. I have difficulty getting close to and trusting someone. It takes me a rather long time to relax and feel comfortable around people, which I think is a reason (one of many) why I have difficulty making/keeping friends.
I (sometimes) like to be girly and romantic. Not all the time especially when you feel like you're under a microscope because of it. Remember My So-Called Life? It was explained very well on there how it is... "It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you?"
It's so much easier to go along with whatever has been decided for you than to deviate from the norm. Even just wearing a dress to work can be mentally exhausting. "What's the occasion? What are you all dressed up for? Are you feeling OK?" I would just like to be able to act how I'm feeling without getting the Spanish Inquisition.
I could go on but now it's time for Flyers game 7. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon and can put more of an effort into writing.
