Saturday, March 5, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Day 3's truth: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

As I said in my last post, I am working on issues that I've had for a while. I'm doing this by seeing a therapist once a week. I actually started seeing one last year but I didn't feel like I was getting anything from it so I stopped going. The one I am seeing now was highly recommended to me. So far things seem to be going well. The last time I went something came up that has to do with Day 3's truth.

My Dad was bi-polar and also was an alcoholic. When I was 8 he tried committing suicide by shooting himself but survived. He was in a coma for a couple of months and had many health complications after he was finally released from the hospital. In the summer of 96 my dad and I moved to Florida to try and start over. It was nice for a little while but unless you confront your problems, they will follow you.. no matter how far you try to run.

Eventually all the problems my Father had kept creeping back up. He couldn't take care of himself let alone a 14 year old daughter. It got so bad I had to leave. I moved back to New Jersey leaving my father by himself in Florida. I still feel guilty for that to this day.

I needed someone to take care of me but he obviously needed that as well. From the health complications, he was in the hospital regularly. Once, his neighbor found him unresponsive outside. When the ambulance arrived he had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped beating but he survived this as well. After that incident, I went to visit him with my Nan and my Aunt. That was the last time I would see him. 

After my Pop died in 2002, my Dad was supposed to fly up for the funeral but never made it. He said he missed his flight. I talked to him on the phone periodically but since he didn't have a phone, it was only when he called me and I never knew when that would be. In 2005, I received a phone call that he had drowned while fishing. We think he went into respiratory arrest as he had before and fell into the water. While he died doing what he loved most (fishing with his dog) it breaks my heart to know that he was alone.

This is what I'm trying to forgive myself for. For not doing enough to help him while I was still there and for leaving him by himself when he was clearly needed someone or something. I just wish I could see him one last time to let him know how sorry I am and how much I love him.

1 comment:

Billy said...

Your Dad had a big heart and your mom had/has none. But both like to hurt themselfs.
Good luck with learning to deal with your guilt. Because the older you get and the more people you`ll come in contact with ( colin/friends/Kids/....) the more guilt youll have...Its just how it is. I think its apart of having a conscience. Whatever you do never be afaid making a mistake and learning from it. And Those who love you will forgive, regaurdless.XOxo