Tuesday, April 26, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 12

Wow, I'm getting terrible with this thing. I've had no interest in writing.. or doing anything really. Everything seems to take so much effort. Haven't had the best couple of weeks. Last Friday was awful. I went to bed before 10 and didn't get out of bed until at least 1 or 2 in the afternoon. This Friday wasn't much better. I think it's after dealing with work and acting "normal" all week. It just takes a lot out of me. I should have gone to a benefit for our nephew but I just didn't have it in me to talk to everyone. Instead I took a nap, read a book then went to bed early. 

I finally had the appointment with the psychiatrist today. I think this is the first time I've ever been so anxious to get to the drs. Apparently, I have mild-moderate major depression and an anxiety disorder. I have meds being prepared at the pharmacy as I write. I really hope they make a difference. I also started physical therapy again. The pain in my hip has been seemingly getting worse along with my moods. I overdid it at the gym last Thursday night and my foot and parts of my leg were numb off and on all day. I really don't want to have to get surgery but it's looking like that more and more. 

Anyway, back to the longest 30 days in history...

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

Believe it or not, there is a softer/sweeter side to me. I rarely get complements on it probably because most people aren't aware of it and even fewer have seen it. I have difficulty getting close to and trusting someone. It takes me a rather long time to relax and feel comfortable around people, which I think is a reason (one of many) why I have difficulty making/keeping friends. 

I (sometimes) like to be girly and romantic. Not all the time especially when you feel like you're under a microscope because of it. Remember My So-Called Life? It was explained very well on there how it is... "It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you?"

It's so much easier to go along with whatever has been decided for you than to deviate from the norm. Even just wearing a dress to work can be mentally exhausting. "What's the occasion? What are you all dressed up for? Are you feeling OK?" I would just like to be able to act how I'm feeling without getting the Spanish Inquisition.

I could go on but now it's time for Flyers game 7. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon and can put more of an effort into writing.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 11

I've been slacking on here again but not without reason! Sunday we completely rearranged our bedroom, Monday the gym, Thursday another appointment with the therapist and Friday another appointment with the orthopedist. Saturday I completely cleaned out the fridge. Sunday I cooked and cleaned, Monday 2 hours at the gym!

At my appointment on Thursday, one of the goals I've set for myself is to get some sort of routine back in my life. Something else that I'm working on is doing things in moderation. Right now it's usually all or nothing. It's like I set myself up for failure. For example, I won't clean for a while, feel guilty, try to accomplish everything in one day then feel guilty again that I wasn't able to do what I set out to (even if it was a completely unreasonable goal). This cycle has been going on for a while.

Now I've decided to start going to the gym Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays whenever possible. Once I've been doing that for a little while, start to incorporate other things that I need to be doing on a regular basis. So we went last night and I think I pushed myself a little too far so today I am paying for it. I just hope that I feel alright enough tomorrow to be able to go.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I would say it's my insight/honesty. I'm pretty good at reading people; maybe that's why I don't like most of them. haha I like to think the small amount of people I surround myself with are genuin. I also like to think that I know how they are, what they're feeling and how to act when they're feeling a certain way. I can be clueless once in a while but I usually know if something is up.

I don't like to beat around the bush or sugarcoat things. Don't ask me my opinion if you don't want me to get straight to the point and tell you exactly what I'm thinking. And when people ask me for advice, that's why. They know I'm going to tell them the truth, not what I think they want to hear. It can backfire on me at times but it's something I guess I can be proud of.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 10

Starting to slack at writing in this thing. I'd like to think I have a decent excuse; I have been rather busy the past week or two. Last Saturday we had an appointment with my therapist, stopped at a St. "Pet"rick's Day event for shelter animals and then went to my cousin's Sweet 16 party. Sunday was dinner at my Aunt & Uncle's. Monday I finally forced myself to get to the gym. It had been a while but it actually felt good. Less than 6 months until I get married! (holy shit) So, I need to start going again NOW. Wednesday I had another appointment. Thursday was our 4 year anniversary, last night we went to Dave & Buster's with one of Colin's brothers who is in from Arizona. Today Colin drove a float in the Robbinsville St. Paddy's Day parade and we went to our reception hall to put down another deposit. I should update with our wedding plans soon. Anyhoos..

Day 10: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn’t know.

This person, in both ways, would be my mother. I need to let go of the fact that I'm never going to have a normal relationship with her or any relationship with her at all really. What I really need to let go of is the vision I have of her in my head. I especially had difficulty with this when I was younger. It always bothered me so much that I didn't have a normal, typical family. I loved my grandparents very much but I always just wanted to have a "regular" mom and dad, go on family vacations, fight with my siblings, etc. All the things I thought normal kids with normal families did.

As ridiculous and unrealistic as it seemed, I always dreamed that my parents would (out of their love for me) set their differences aside, get back together and we could be a family. Looking back now, that would have been catastrophic. Even thousands of miles apart, they couldn't even manage to get along for brief telephone calls to talk about me. 

I mentioned before that my mother drifted in and out of my life at her convenience. I hoped that one day she would realize what she was doing (or not doing) and decide to change her ways. To make an effort to be a mother - regularly contact me, take in interest in my life, help with dad/grandparents with taking care of me. This never really happened.

When I first found out that my brother was going to be born, I was intensely jealous. This child who wasn't even born yet seemed (to me) to get more love and attention than I ever had. After I while, I thought it might be a good thing; maybe she would have him, realize what she had missed out with me and rebuild our relationship. This never happened either.

When things with my dad got really bad, I ended up moving in with her. This lasted less than a year. I was a difficult teenager, I'll admit. But I had been through a lot and never had a chance to deal with any of it. Her putting my brother and her boyfriend/his dad always before me drove me insane. It eventually got so bad we got in a fist fight and she literally kicked/shoved me out of the house.

I didn't talk to her for a while after that. We have tried to reconnect a few times since then (that was about 10 years ago) and each time it ends in a even bigger, more dramatic fight. I am almost positive that this last time will be the last time. From what I've heard from other people and the fact that she has forbidden me to make any contact with my brother, I don't see how I could ever get past that and reconnect with her. I don't think I have anything left in my heart for her.

While the person she is/has become disgusts me, she (unfortunately) is my mother. I have to learn to accept this and come to terms with the fact that she will never be what I want her to. I just have to learn from this and do everything in my power to be the best mother I can when I eventually have children of my own.

Monday, March 14, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 9

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

As I actually did stuff this weekend, I didn't have the energy to write in this thing. I think I may just start writing during the week. Kudos to those who can blog every day and actually write about something worthwhile.

There are a lot of people that could fit into this category. I moved a lot as a kid and went to a bunch of different schools so I've always had a difficult time making and keeping friends. That means I've always also had a difficult time keeping relationships of any kind, whether it be friend or family. Something I'm regretful about is losing touch with my cousin, Michele, who was both. 

We were best friends growing up. There are pictures of her at a baby shower that was held for my mother when she was pregnant with me. Her parents and my grandparents were close so we saw each other a lot. Once I moved to Florida, we still wrote each other letters all the time and when we both had the internet we'd e-mail and chat often too. Each summer and Christmas vacation I would fly back up to Jersey and stay with my Nan and Pop. I would see Michele almost every day. We were best friends for about 15 years.

It's odd, only when I actually moved back near her did we start to drift apart. I moved back in with my grandparents during freshman year of high school. She was a year ahead of me so we didn't have any of the same classes but we did see each other in the halls and at lunch.

I don't know when exactly we really stopped talking but now I see and talk to her only at weddings and funerals. It really hit me when I went to her wedding almost 2 years ago. I remember when we were younger talking about growing up, getting married and we were always in each other's plans. I talked to her briefly but it was like we were strangers. 

It would be nice to reconnect but we have both moved on with our lives and are completely different places than we were 10 years ago. All we have left are great memories that I will look back on fondly for a long time. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 8

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell or treated you like crap.

Man, another downer topic. I really didn't want my blog to be a bitchfest. I originally read all the 30 truth questions but can't remember most of them now. I hope at least some of them are positive ones.

Anyway, to answer this question..  Since I've complained about my parents so much I will take a crack at someone else, my ex-boyfriend. 

We started dating in high school, this was after he liked my friend Ashley first. I should have known then it wouldn't turn out well. It was a very dramatic and volatile relationship from the beginning. After my Pop died, I was having difficulties living at home with my Nan. Shortly after graduation, we moved into an apartment together. God, what a mistake that was. 

We were together almost 6 years; I don't know why I stayed so long. Actually, I have an idea. I already had terrible self-esteem before I met him and he only made it worse. He had me believing that he was the best I was ever going to do and that I should be lucky I had him since no one else would want me.

Granted, he had his own issues growing up (we all do) but nothing that serious.. at least nothing that he should have taken that seriously. He liked to blame everyone else for his problems, mostly me. He wasn't a clean and tidy person. The apartment was getting worse and worse. I was tired of doing everything myself and finally confronted him. His response? He didn't care if the apartment was clean, so he shouldn't have to clean it. If I wanted him to do what I thought was his part, he insisted I pay him for it.

Why I didn't leave that moment is beyond me. I put up with him for a year or two more. But I tend to think things happen for a reason. If things weren't the way they were, I may have never met Colin.

Looking back, it was a terrible time in my life but in the end it was all worth it.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

That would be, of course, my fiance, Colin. We have been "officially" together 4 years on St. Paddy's Day. I say officially because this is the day he got me drunk and made me ask him out. Or at least that's how I tell the story. We went out on a drunk bus for St. Paddy's Day, both got obnoxiously drunk and I asked him in a slurred voice why were weren't going out yet. He told me it was because I hadn't asked him yet. I asked him a few times and got the same stupid answer; I got frustrated enough and finally just asked him. 

And he's continued to be a pain in my ass ever since..

We get along great (almost all of the time), we both have the same sick and twisted sense of humor not to mention he puts up with me!

I know this is kinda lighthearted because I don't feel like getting all emotional and sappy right now. I will save that for another night. He knows how much I love him ;)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
(apparently I am unable to count, missed this day and skipped to days 5 & 6, so here it is)

This is a difficult one and one I may never be able to accomplish. I need to forgive my mother for all of the horrible things she'd done and continues to do to me. Other people tried to fill the void she left when she left me but, as a child, it still wasn't the same. It seemed like she always put everyone/everything ahead of me. From (mostly) boyfriends, friends, money.. they always seemed more important. While she's not the only reason I have all my "issues" she's the majority reason. Why I have difficulty trusting people (especially women), getting close to people, always wondering when they are going to leave, no self-esteem. The problem is not that she made a mistake in the past but that she continued to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Yes, she was young when she gave birth to me but that isn't a good enough excuse for me. She still should have been responsible for her actions. My dad was really in no place to take care of me by himself so my Nan & Pop took me in. For that I am so grateful. I don't know where I would be had they not stepped up and I don't want to know; it wouldn't have been good. 

The worst reason though was what she said about my grandparents. They were always there for me, always took care of me and made sure I always had whatever I needed. They never asked my mother or anyone in her family for help. When I was a kid, they would hold me crying when my mother wouldn't show up after I sat on the porch waiting for hours for her to show up. After all of this, when my Nan died, my aunt called her to see if she should come to the funeral and my mother said no. She said that my grandparents were bad people and she didn't think anyone from her side of the family should come because of that.

I have never been more hurt and disgusted in my entire life. And now after she's basically brainwashed my little brother into hating me, I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to forgive her.