Tuesday, March 29, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 11

I've been slacking on here again but not without reason! Sunday we completely rearranged our bedroom, Monday the gym, Thursday another appointment with the therapist and Friday another appointment with the orthopedist. Saturday I completely cleaned out the fridge. Sunday I cooked and cleaned, Monday 2 hours at the gym!

At my appointment on Thursday, one of the goals I've set for myself is to get some sort of routine back in my life. Something else that I'm working on is doing things in moderation. Right now it's usually all or nothing. It's like I set myself up for failure. For example, I won't clean for a while, feel guilty, try to accomplish everything in one day then feel guilty again that I wasn't able to do what I set out to (even if it was a completely unreasonable goal). This cycle has been going on for a while.

Now I've decided to start going to the gym Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays whenever possible. Once I've been doing that for a little while, start to incorporate other things that I need to be doing on a regular basis. So we went last night and I think I pushed myself a little too far so today I am paying for it. I just hope that I feel alright enough tomorrow to be able to go.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I would say it's my insight/honesty. I'm pretty good at reading people; maybe that's why I don't like most of them. haha I like to think the small amount of people I surround myself with are genuin. I also like to think that I know how they are, what they're feeling and how to act when they're feeling a certain way. I can be clueless once in a while but I usually know if something is up.

I don't like to beat around the bush or sugarcoat things. Don't ask me my opinion if you don't want me to get straight to the point and tell you exactly what I'm thinking. And when people ask me for advice, that's why. They know I'm going to tell them the truth, not what I think they want to hear. It can backfire on me at times but it's something I guess I can be proud of.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 10

Starting to slack at writing in this thing. I'd like to think I have a decent excuse; I have been rather busy the past week or two. Last Saturday we had an appointment with my therapist, stopped at a St. "Pet"rick's Day event for shelter animals and then went to my cousin's Sweet 16 party. Sunday was dinner at my Aunt & Uncle's. Monday I finally forced myself to get to the gym. It had been a while but it actually felt good. Less than 6 months until I get married! (holy shit) So, I need to start going again NOW. Wednesday I had another appointment. Thursday was our 4 year anniversary, last night we went to Dave & Buster's with one of Colin's brothers who is in from Arizona. Today Colin drove a float in the Robbinsville St. Paddy's Day parade and we went to our reception hall to put down another deposit. I should update with our wedding plans soon. Anyhoos..

Day 10: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn’t know.

This person, in both ways, would be my mother. I need to let go of the fact that I'm never going to have a normal relationship with her or any relationship with her at all really. What I really need to let go of is the vision I have of her in my head. I especially had difficulty with this when I was younger. It always bothered me so much that I didn't have a normal, typical family. I loved my grandparents very much but I always just wanted to have a "regular" mom and dad, go on family vacations, fight with my siblings, etc. All the things I thought normal kids with normal families did.

As ridiculous and unrealistic as it seemed, I always dreamed that my parents would (out of their love for me) set their differences aside, get back together and we could be a family. Looking back now, that would have been catastrophic. Even thousands of miles apart, they couldn't even manage to get along for brief telephone calls to talk about me. 

I mentioned before that my mother drifted in and out of my life at her convenience. I hoped that one day she would realize what she was doing (or not doing) and decide to change her ways. To make an effort to be a mother - regularly contact me, take in interest in my life, help with dad/grandparents with taking care of me. This never really happened.

When I first found out that my brother was going to be born, I was intensely jealous. This child who wasn't even born yet seemed (to me) to get more love and attention than I ever had. After I while, I thought it might be a good thing; maybe she would have him, realize what she had missed out with me and rebuild our relationship. This never happened either.

When things with my dad got really bad, I ended up moving in with her. This lasted less than a year. I was a difficult teenager, I'll admit. But I had been through a lot and never had a chance to deal with any of it. Her putting my brother and her boyfriend/his dad always before me drove me insane. It eventually got so bad we got in a fist fight and she literally kicked/shoved me out of the house.

I didn't talk to her for a while after that. We have tried to reconnect a few times since then (that was about 10 years ago) and each time it ends in a even bigger, more dramatic fight. I am almost positive that this last time will be the last time. From what I've heard from other people and the fact that she has forbidden me to make any contact with my brother, I don't see how I could ever get past that and reconnect with her. I don't think I have anything left in my heart for her.

While the person she is/has become disgusts me, she (unfortunately) is my mother. I have to learn to accept this and come to terms with the fact that she will never be what I want her to. I just have to learn from this and do everything in my power to be the best mother I can when I eventually have children of my own.

Monday, March 14, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 9

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

As I actually did stuff this weekend, I didn't have the energy to write in this thing. I think I may just start writing during the week. Kudos to those who can blog every day and actually write about something worthwhile.

There are a lot of people that could fit into this category. I moved a lot as a kid and went to a bunch of different schools so I've always had a difficult time making and keeping friends. That means I've always also had a difficult time keeping relationships of any kind, whether it be friend or family. Something I'm regretful about is losing touch with my cousin, Michele, who was both. 

We were best friends growing up. There are pictures of her at a baby shower that was held for my mother when she was pregnant with me. Her parents and my grandparents were close so we saw each other a lot. Once I moved to Florida, we still wrote each other letters all the time and when we both had the internet we'd e-mail and chat often too. Each summer and Christmas vacation I would fly back up to Jersey and stay with my Nan and Pop. I would see Michele almost every day. We were best friends for about 15 years.

It's odd, only when I actually moved back near her did we start to drift apart. I moved back in with my grandparents during freshman year of high school. She was a year ahead of me so we didn't have any of the same classes but we did see each other in the halls and at lunch.

I don't know when exactly we really stopped talking but now I see and talk to her only at weddings and funerals. It really hit me when I went to her wedding almost 2 years ago. I remember when we were younger talking about growing up, getting married and we were always in each other's plans. I talked to her briefly but it was like we were strangers. 

It would be nice to reconnect but we have both moved on with our lives and are completely different places than we were 10 years ago. All we have left are great memories that I will look back on fondly for a long time. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 8

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell or treated you like crap.

Man, another downer topic. I really didn't want my blog to be a bitchfest. I originally read all the 30 truth questions but can't remember most of them now. I hope at least some of them are positive ones.

Anyway, to answer this question..  Since I've complained about my parents so much I will take a crack at someone else, my ex-boyfriend. 

We started dating in high school, this was after he liked my friend Ashley first. I should have known then it wouldn't turn out well. It was a very dramatic and volatile relationship from the beginning. After my Pop died, I was having difficulties living at home with my Nan. Shortly after graduation, we moved into an apartment together. God, what a mistake that was. 

We were together almost 6 years; I don't know why I stayed so long. Actually, I have an idea. I already had terrible self-esteem before I met him and he only made it worse. He had me believing that he was the best I was ever going to do and that I should be lucky I had him since no one else would want me.

Granted, he had his own issues growing up (we all do) but nothing that serious.. at least nothing that he should have taken that seriously. He liked to blame everyone else for his problems, mostly me. He wasn't a clean and tidy person. The apartment was getting worse and worse. I was tired of doing everything myself and finally confronted him. His response? He didn't care if the apartment was clean, so he shouldn't have to clean it. If I wanted him to do what I thought was his part, he insisted I pay him for it.

Why I didn't leave that moment is beyond me. I put up with him for a year or two more. But I tend to think things happen for a reason. If things weren't the way they were, I may have never met Colin.

Looking back, it was a terrible time in my life but in the end it was all worth it.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

That would be, of course, my fiance, Colin. We have been "officially" together 4 years on St. Paddy's Day. I say officially because this is the day he got me drunk and made me ask him out. Or at least that's how I tell the story. We went out on a drunk bus for St. Paddy's Day, both got obnoxiously drunk and I asked him in a slurred voice why were weren't going out yet. He told me it was because I hadn't asked him yet. I asked him a few times and got the same stupid answer; I got frustrated enough and finally just asked him. 

And he's continued to be a pain in my ass ever since..

We get along great (almost all of the time), we both have the same sick and twisted sense of humor not to mention he puts up with me!

I know this is kinda lighthearted because I don't feel like getting all emotional and sappy right now. I will save that for another night. He knows how much I love him ;)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
(apparently I am unable to count, missed this day and skipped to days 5 & 6, so here it is)

This is a difficult one and one I may never be able to accomplish. I need to forgive my mother for all of the horrible things she'd done and continues to do to me. Other people tried to fill the void she left when she left me but, as a child, it still wasn't the same. It seemed like she always put everyone/everything ahead of me. From (mostly) boyfriends, friends, money.. they always seemed more important. While she's not the only reason I have all my "issues" she's the majority reason. Why I have difficulty trusting people (especially women), getting close to people, always wondering when they are going to leave, no self-esteem. The problem is not that she made a mistake in the past but that she continued to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Yes, she was young when she gave birth to me but that isn't a good enough excuse for me. She still should have been responsible for her actions. My dad was really in no place to take care of me by himself so my Nan & Pop took me in. For that I am so grateful. I don't know where I would be had they not stepped up and I don't want to know; it wouldn't have been good. 

The worst reason though was what she said about my grandparents. They were always there for me, always took care of me and made sure I always had whatever I needed. They never asked my mother or anyone in her family for help. When I was a kid, they would hold me crying when my mother wouldn't show up after I sat on the porch waiting for hours for her to show up. After all of this, when my Nan died, my aunt called her to see if she should come to the funeral and my mother said no. She said that my grandparents were bad people and she didn't think anyone from her side of the family should come because of that.

I have never been more hurt and disgusted in my entire life. And now after she's basically brainwashed my little brother into hating me, I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to forgive her.

30 Days of Truth: Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Suffer or watch someone I love suffer unnecessarily. I saw both of my grandparents go through excruciating pain for nothing. My Pop due to cancer and my Nan at the fault of doctors/hospitals. Everyone has to die at some point; I understand that. Why do we make people suffer at the end? I worked at a vet for years and we looked down upon people who did not put their pets to sleep if they were suffering. How could someone possibly allow their animal to endure pain or suffering when they had the ability to do what's humane?

I don't understand how we can grant animals the ability to die with some dignity left but allow humans to waste away to nothing, only to be a shell of their former selves. I know my Nan didn't want to spend almost a year in the hospital hooked up to so many different machines just to keep her alive. I'm sure if she had the choice, she would have rather be able to control her own destiny and to decide when she had enough. 

I hope by the time I have to worry about this, I will have the choice.  

Sunday, March 6, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 5

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life. 

There is a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life. I want to have a successful marriage and have (and possibly foster/adopt) children. I want to travel and experience other cultures. I want to find my passion in life. What I want to do most is make a difference.. as lame as that sounds. 

Once I get my own act together my dream would be to be able to open up my own animal shelter with a thrift store to help with costs. It would be great to also run a spay/neuter/vaccination clinic and help people who love their pets but would have to give them up otherwise due to financial reasons.

There are a lot of things I want to do with my life and would like to write about but right now one of them is sleep.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Day 3's truth: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

As I said in my last post, I am working on issues that I've had for a while. I'm doing this by seeing a therapist once a week. I actually started seeing one last year but I didn't feel like I was getting anything from it so I stopped going. The one I am seeing now was highly recommended to me. So far things seem to be going well. The last time I went something came up that has to do with Day 3's truth.

My Dad was bi-polar and also was an alcoholic. When I was 8 he tried committing suicide by shooting himself but survived. He was in a coma for a couple of months and had many health complications after he was finally released from the hospital. In the summer of 96 my dad and I moved to Florida to try and start over. It was nice for a little while but unless you confront your problems, they will follow you.. no matter how far you try to run.

Eventually all the problems my Father had kept creeping back up. He couldn't take care of himself let alone a 14 year old daughter. It got so bad I had to leave. I moved back to New Jersey leaving my father by himself in Florida. I still feel guilty for that to this day.

I needed someone to take care of me but he obviously needed that as well. From the health complications, he was in the hospital regularly. Once, his neighbor found him unresponsive outside. When the ambulance arrived he had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped beating but he survived this as well. After that incident, I went to visit him with my Nan and my Aunt. That was the last time I would see him. 

After my Pop died in 2002, my Dad was supposed to fly up for the funeral but never made it. He said he missed his flight. I talked to him on the phone periodically but since he didn't have a phone, it was only when he called me and I never knew when that would be. In 2005, I received a phone call that he had drowned while fishing. We think he went into respiratory arrest as he had before and fell into the water. While he died doing what he loved most (fishing with his dog) it breaks my heart to know that he was alone.

This is what I'm trying to forgive myself for. For not doing enough to help him while I was still there and for leaving him by himself when he was clearly needed someone or something. I just wish I could see him one last time to let him know how sorry I am and how much I love him.

Friday, March 4, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 2

Day 2's truth: Something you love about yourself.

That would definitely be the ability to handle/get through extremely difficult situations. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I don't like to whine. I know there are so many people who have had to deal with situations much worse. That doesn't mean what I've been through hasn't affected me. From growing up with an alcoholic, bi-polar father and an (mostly) absent mother, to constantly moving around from person to person and place to place, to planning the funerals of the three closest people in my life all within a few years, I've managed to somewhat keep it together. 

Of course, it seems to be finally all catching up to me now but so far I haven't ended up in a bell tower picking off people one by one with a rifle(You made me play second base! - ha!). Dealing with these issues is something I'm working on and while I could be in a better place, I try to remind myself I could have let these events define me instead of trying to learn from them and becoming a stronger person in the process.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

Today's truth: Something you hate about yourself.

Just one thing? Or could this be my longest post? If I had to pick one thing I would say it would be my lack of self-esteem/confidence. I have other areas that are lacking but I think this is what holds me back most in life.

It's what keeps me from trying new things or completing new things I've just started. It's the reason I haven't gone back to school, the reason I'm so uncomfortable with going to new places or meeting new people. It's also the reason I hate dressing up, trying to look pretty or do anything out of the normal for me. It's easy not to draw any attention to yourself when you don't try to accomplish anything.

Fortunately, this is something that I am slowly by surely trying to work on(along with many other issues - ha!). 

30 Days of Truth

Recently I have been entering in a ton of blog giveaways. I usually end up following the blogs but don't have a chance to check out every single one. A post tonight caught my eye and I think it's a good subject to write about. Perhaps it will get me finally writing in this thing again. Here's the list, you answer one question about yourself a day. Feel free to comment with your answers too!

30 Days of Truth

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself