Saturday, March 19, 2011

30 Days of Truth: Day 10

Starting to slack at writing in this thing. I'd like to think I have a decent excuse; I have been rather busy the past week or two. Last Saturday we had an appointment with my therapist, stopped at a St. "Pet"rick's Day event for shelter animals and then went to my cousin's Sweet 16 party. Sunday was dinner at my Aunt & Uncle's. Monday I finally forced myself to get to the gym. It had been a while but it actually felt good. Less than 6 months until I get married! (holy shit) So, I need to start going again NOW. Wednesday I had another appointment. Thursday was our 4 year anniversary, last night we went to Dave & Buster's with one of Colin's brothers who is in from Arizona. Today Colin drove a float in the Robbinsville St. Paddy's Day parade and we went to our reception hall to put down another deposit. I should update with our wedding plans soon. Anyhoos..

Day 10: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn’t know.

This person, in both ways, would be my mother. I need to let go of the fact that I'm never going to have a normal relationship with her or any relationship with her at all really. What I really need to let go of is the vision I have of her in my head. I especially had difficulty with this when I was younger. It always bothered me so much that I didn't have a normal, typical family. I loved my grandparents very much but I always just wanted to have a "regular" mom and dad, go on family vacations, fight with my siblings, etc. All the things I thought normal kids with normal families did.

As ridiculous and unrealistic as it seemed, I always dreamed that my parents would (out of their love for me) set their differences aside, get back together and we could be a family. Looking back now, that would have been catastrophic. Even thousands of miles apart, they couldn't even manage to get along for brief telephone calls to talk about me. 

I mentioned before that my mother drifted in and out of my life at her convenience. I hoped that one day she would realize what she was doing (or not doing) and decide to change her ways. To make an effort to be a mother - regularly contact me, take in interest in my life, help with dad/grandparents with taking care of me. This never really happened.

When I first found out that my brother was going to be born, I was intensely jealous. This child who wasn't even born yet seemed (to me) to get more love and attention than I ever had. After I while, I thought it might be a good thing; maybe she would have him, realize what she had missed out with me and rebuild our relationship. This never happened either.

When things with my dad got really bad, I ended up moving in with her. This lasted less than a year. I was a difficult teenager, I'll admit. But I had been through a lot and never had a chance to deal with any of it. Her putting my brother and her boyfriend/his dad always before me drove me insane. It eventually got so bad we got in a fist fight and she literally kicked/shoved me out of the house.

I didn't talk to her for a while after that. We have tried to reconnect a few times since then (that was about 10 years ago) and each time it ends in a even bigger, more dramatic fight. I am almost positive that this last time will be the last time. From what I've heard from other people and the fact that she has forbidden me to make any contact with my brother, I don't see how I could ever get past that and reconnect with her. I don't think I have anything left in my heart for her.

While the person she is/has become disgusts me, she (unfortunately) is my mother. I have to learn to accept this and come to terms with the fact that she will never be what I want her to. I just have to learn from this and do everything in my power to be the best mother I can when I eventually have children of my own.

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